Shut

down but never up (a poem)

Image Description:

“Yeux Clos” (Closed eyes) by Odilon Redon, courtesy of the National Gallery of Art’s public domain image collection. Image description: The image shows a person's head and shoulders with eyes closed and head slightly tilted forward. The face has delicate lines and subtle shading. The hair is long and smooth, falling past the shoulders. The person's clothing is not clearly visible, but there are bare shoulders or minimal clothing above the chest. The background is textured with light pencil strokes. There are no visible jewelry pieces or objects. The overall image has a soft, monochromatic appearance, emphasizing the serene facial expression.

It is a grand setup for a joke

That I used to hide in closets

But the fear needed no metaphors

Safety sought in containment

.

The debtor and the ex and the

Disappointing daughter and the

one who fucked up all shut in together

Practiced caterpillar chronic tongue in the language of

Never being enough

And so hungry for love

.

And religious in my discipline

I barrel forward to each new day’s beginning

Stare straight ahead

Tethered to deadlines and

Every next thing and next thing and next thing

.

And the card once again jeers

I n s u f f i c i e n t f u n d s

so I pull

My belt tighter and tighter

And now I cry every time I come

.

Raw and full of wrongs

I rot as I thaw

While I

Wring the rags out to the last half a drop

Used up to uselessness turned weak and putrid

.

Because if I

Just admit how much I miss you

There’s no telling

How they’ll put me back together again

.

.

.